Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up