Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Why soy sad?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f