[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Nothing to do, you say?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do