alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

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A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.



My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.


(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.


I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.


I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting


Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*


Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol


You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.


My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.