alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
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Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun