Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.