@FeelingEuphoric

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

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@emmeline77

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

@Book_Krazy

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

@Slims_Ramblings

Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don’t know how my Mom or a stranger didn’t murder me as a teenager.

@EricaWhoToYou

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@SpenceDen

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

@VolatileVani

There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.