your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don’t know how my Mom or a stranger didn’t murder me as a teenager.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
me when I see my crush
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.