[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”