@FeelingEuphoric

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

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@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up

@BlindChow

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

@Asbo_Unicorn

Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face

@BonaFideIntent

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

@beingtheo

This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn’t sleep with him.

@13gbenita

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

@trevso_electric

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

@SalimAliAhmad

Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?