*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?