(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
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friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it