Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’
–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves from a nest 60’ high on the second day of their little lives but ok son, I can transfer cash into your account so you can get an iced coffee.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward
me: omg really?!? which one
me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁