@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

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@hazelmotes1

Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.

@Jordan_Morris

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

@caliraingirl

‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’

–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car

@six_2_and_even

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves from a nest 60’ high on the second day of their little lives but ok son, I can transfer cash into your account so you can get an iced coffee.

@SoulYodeler

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

@markleggett

My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.

@SufficientCharm

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

@daemonic3

them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁