Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?


Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you


The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.


My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.


You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.


Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.


CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99


The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.


I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.


HR: You know why we called you down?

Me:Hm. Promotion?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to reporting a hacking.