Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
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Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Left at a local drug store…
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch