alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
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[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
i’m sure it’s fine
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.