You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.