@eedrk

alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why

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@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@TragicAllyHere

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

@ibid78

Eight glasses of water a day? Nope. I do a minimum of sixteen. Keeps you looking young. Take me for example. I was born in 1926.

@pilau

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

@NintenDom

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

@AntozWolf

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

@Kyle_Lippert

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog