alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
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There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.