@ohen39

alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello

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@DirtMcTurd

My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday

@ericonederful

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

@internetluke

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

@mattZillaaaa

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

@ojedge

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

@causticbob

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

@fishbowel

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

@PhilJamesson

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want