My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday
alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello
You Might Also Like
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The eighth habit of highly effective people.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want