[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.