@NotTodayEric

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

You Might Also Like

@dog_feelings

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

@sammyrhodes

There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.

@TheDizzyBeauty

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

@shawn_spree

If it wasn’t for the internet, I would think “12 Years A Slave” was a movie about a guy exaggerating about the first 3 weeks of marriage.

@Marcmywords2

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

@13spencer

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

@DemetriMartin

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

@boozemunkee

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.