Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.