@NotTodayEric

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

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@sween

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

@AshleyFrankly

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

@TheAlexNevil

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

@thenatewolf

BATMAN: All this crime… it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.

@Canadian_Cutie_

Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?

Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong

@Gupton68

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

@delusions_of

[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”