If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
BATMAN: All this crime… it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.
COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.
Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?
Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”