[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.