Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.