[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
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If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN