@ObscureGent

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

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@AthenaMystique

Dear Google Maps,

Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.

Kthnxbye

@bourgeoisalien

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

@notalogin

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

@zachreinert03

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

@Ilovelamp1979

I was late to work because I was having car trouble.

And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.

@UnFitz

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”