Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
The pasta is now
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
lmfao