alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!