Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
You Might Also Like
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.