I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
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If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”