A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses