*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
LOL
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.