[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.