*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
How high do the levels go?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.