@david8hughes

[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent

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@CoolBabyRat

*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*

@brian_bilston

For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.

It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.

@BCMontgo

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

@Midgetspar

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

@Jesus_M_Christ

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

@SocialustGal13

I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.

@SJSchauer

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

@daplusk

I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $150

@jakehightower34

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

@blackr0se_x

Astrology person: what’s your siiiiggnnnnnn

Me: I think I’m a stegosaurus