Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.