Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

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[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?


“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker


“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.


[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.


The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.


Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.


Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE