Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

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Her: I LOVE your beard!

Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!

Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.


I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.


Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed


[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that


[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]


4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit


Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.


Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.


Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”