@SamuelHLowe

Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

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@Eightinchgoat

Her: I LOVE your beard!

Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!

Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.

@petemandik

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

@Parkerlawyer

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

@david8hughes

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

@alexlumaga

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

@reallifemommy3

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

@poetastrologers

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

@jakob_huber

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”