Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?
Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
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“That’s close enough…”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.
Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE