[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*