I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
the composer
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me