[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
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*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”