I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”
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Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…
Optional boss fight.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.