@TechnicallyRon

Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“No”
“What”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”

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@ThePawfessor

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

@Dawn_M_

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

@ArfMeasures

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

@tarrynklaudia_x

If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.

@eddytheaxe

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

@Sassafrantz

Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.

@synthandlasers

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”