Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu