@TechnicallyRon

Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“No”
“What”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”

You Might Also Like

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@Gupton68

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

@merrittk

cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…

@TheRealPalMal

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

@alexlumaga

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@TheBoydP

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.