eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”