[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
You Might Also Like
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning