@wolfpupy

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

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@Bob_Janke

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

@_davidlucas_

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

@sixfootcandy

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

@PoshTick

me: *down on one knee*

her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening

me: *tightens my velcro straps* what

@PantsDonkey

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

@Coolisiana

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

@AntozWolf

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*