aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
this will hang in the louvre one day
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.