Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
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*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers.
America needs a first lady.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Biden: why can’t I log into my twitter what’s everyone talking about today