@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

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@michaelianblack

Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.

@ClichedOut

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

@murrman5

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

@PresidentGrimes

I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers.

America needs a first lady.

@Darlainky

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

@hellolanemoore

2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

@StarvingHartist

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

@QwertyJones3

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

@bidenandobama

Biden: why can’t I log into my twitter what’s everyone talking about today

Obama: