All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
bury ourselves
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.