All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Dolls on drugs
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.