all bases covered
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Namaste