All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
If you are reading this then you are reading this
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”