All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
You Might Also Like
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.