When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.
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My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.
Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.