@stephanieck72

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.

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@gtfml

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

@tracietom

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@ProfaneDane

How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.

@FirecrackerKatt

Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?

@chuuew

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

@HousewifeOfHell

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.