Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
You Might Also Like
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.