All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.