All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.


Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.


New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.


Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?


[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.


Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children


If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn’t Find A Condom). I hope it catches on…