Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.