All generalizations are stupid.
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.