All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.