@GabbbarSingh

All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. 🙂

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@northcoastkevin

[gets pulled over by the cops]

Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.

Me: check the trunk.

@SoVeryBritish

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

@Home_Halfway

I hate that I can’t go anywhere for the holidays, unlike previous years where I hated having to go somewhere for the holidays.

@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

@SuadShamma

“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”