roses are red
i’m crossing a bridge
All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. 🙂
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[gets pulled over by the cops]
Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.
Me: check the trunk.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I hate that I can’t go anywhere for the holidays, unlike previous years where I hated having to go somewhere for the holidays.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”