[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?