All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.