@dougbies

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

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@MomOnFire

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

@Ennui_Raver

If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.

@trevso_electric

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

@SexySpainNights

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

@CHofferCBus

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

@One_FineMess

My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

@fro_vo

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow