Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I’m in HR’s office.
Thanks a lot, Megan!
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Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*turns off life support*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’