If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
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China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..