@TheMichaelRock

All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I’m in HR’s office.

Thanks a lot, Megan!

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@ehdannyboy

I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium

@theshamingofjay

Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can’t add – parents in China, probably

@FU_TangClan

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

@SaltyCorpse

My dog: I can’t get her up.

My Other dog: Did you lick her face?

My dog: Yeah, no dice.

My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?

My dog: Yes. Sheesh.

My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.

@FuckabillyRex

It’s hard to feel dangerous when you’ve had the hiccups for 45 minutes.

@SergioValenCo

You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting