@TheMichaelRock

All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I’m in HR’s office.

Thanks a lot, Megan!

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@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@dumbbeezie

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

@WarrenHolstein

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

@thejamietighe

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

@robfee

Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.

@MarfSalvador

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’