All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.